band-aids for bullet wounds

C.S. Lewis once said:
"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. 

There is NO SUCH THING."

And yet I still find myself chasing after so many different things and thinking 
"Oh, maybe God wants this for me" (when in actuality I want it for myself) 
I just feel like I'm searching through a box of puzzle pieces to shove into that God sized hole in my heart, constantly jamming different pieces into the emptiness, trying to make them fit. And after each piece has sat there in my empty chest, I can almost feel a physical ache in the pit of my stomach, in the very core of my being that I am in a state of complete and utter despair without my Creator. 

I feel like God is teaching me this lesson every day, hour by hour. 

I way too often find my thoughts consumed with school and friends and social standing and reputation and social media and boys and soon although my facade seems without blemish, I am breaking apart inside, afraid to admit that I don't have it all together.

And that I will never have it all together.
No matter the hours I put in or the goals I set or the dreams I dream, I will never be truly joyful or complete or whole or ANYTHING at all of value in my own strength, in my own power, with my own ideas as to which pieces will fill the void in my chest. 

I cannot trust myself or believe in myself in any capacity. 


"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?"
Jeremiah 17:9

"Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered."
Proverbs 28:26


And yet aren't we such a culture of "Listen to your heart" and "Be yourself." It's plastered everywhere, the sugary sweet words, void of real substance, written across a photograph of a mountain or a sunset or a man running a race. The self-sufficiency of the so-called 'American Dream' makes my heart ache and my stomach turn. People eat it up though. We are all just standing behind our white picket fences with our perfectly groomed dogs and immaculately decorated mailboxes. The driveway is filled with cars that we paid too much for and the landscaping is something out of a magazine.

Now I'm not saying that cars and dogs and mailboxes and white fences are a bad thing in it of themselves, but where are we really finding our identities? What do our hearts truly long for? 

For you, it might not be the car or the nice lawn or the substantial income, but we all have things that we try to shove into the spaces in our chest. For me, it's reputation and guys and friendships and being comfortable and stable (which the Bible NEVER calls us to a life of btw). 

So, here we are trying to find meaning and hope and joy and love in things our sick and weak and broken hearts are not in need of. 

Thanks and all glory be to God, that the story that the Bible tells of our deceitful hearts and complete and utter depravity does not end on such a dark and upsetting note. (When in actuality- it could have because that is what our sinfulness deserves, but that is another talk in itself.) 

God has given us the greatest gift, one that overwhelms and satisfies my soul:
Himself.


"Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,
    and your labor for that which does not satisfy?
Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good,
    and delight yourselves in rich food."
|| Isaiah 55:2 



"... as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; 
as having nothing, yet possessing EVERYTHING." 

|| 2 Corinthians 6:10 

(Paul says this after talking about the hardships he has gone through and how despite his earthly lack, he has EVERYTHING in Christ.)

So what do we do about this deceitful heart business, when we are looking to everywhere but God to give us life and joy, when we are patching bullet wounds with band-aids?

Proverbs 3 has this to say:

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and jdo not lean on your own understanding.

6 In all your ways kacknowledge him,

and he lwill make straight your paths.

7 Be not wise in your own eyes;

fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.

8 It will be healing to your flesh

and refreshment to your bones.

               Notice how it doesn't say trust in YOUR heart or DO lean on your own understanding or TRY to be wise in your own eyes. God is not about watered down, sugary sweet "believe in yourself" versions of the gospel. God is in the business of bringing truth and redemption and healing and refreshment to desperate and broken and dying people who did not do anything to deserve it, but who He still loves so very much.

Friends, I care about you all deeply. I know the world is a terrible place of temptation and self-sufficiency but we HAVE to stop looking to things that will not satisfy, stop looking to ourselves to be stronger and do better and be more successful. Press into the character of Christ. He knows what you need.